The Great Depression
my Life seems to be coming together but falling apart all at the same time. my head is so full i cant seem to think anymore, when i go to drink some water i feel like Im going to choke. Im suffocating myself. and now i will rant, i will rave, i will bitch and complain. And between my and my words i will be crying the whole time. Was i supposed to have a mid-life crisis so early in my life? does this mean my life is half over???
so let me start off on a good note, i will brag about the good things i have been blessed with.
- My Daughter is doing so well she has no problems, she is strong, healthy, and gaining weight. she is perfect. She is amazing.
-im going back to work for home depot in march. they want me back
- i am also collecting disability for all the time i have missed out in working
-as soon as i get off my ass and do my taxes i will have a good chunk of money to put towards child support and we will be a little further out of dept
-i will be able to collect ssi as soon as the social security card comes in the mail.
-i have health insurance for addelynn so she is completely covered
the move to Connecticut is looking so good, its all in the works. i cant wait to start moving my crap out of our house and get it all set up for Addy to come home
-i talked to my brother for the first time in 2 years, it felt good. i could let out a good sigh of relieve just knowing he is alive. i had a few moments of rest from worrying about him so much. his deal is that he did 9 months in jail got out and shot up dope went 4 months in rehab got out had a girl come see him and give him 4 things of Valium he shot them all up. he overdosed. he woke up in a psych ward. he doesn't know how he got there or when. he doesnt know who took him. he almost died. he went back to rehab for a month just got out and is in a group home. he is clean. i will continue to pray for him. continue to worry.
- rubin should be getting a job at a local pet store. it will be good for him, it will be something he like and something he can take pride in, something to be proud of.
-we went to 3 temp agencies we need to get him a job
Now im dealing with the shitty
- i feel completely alone, i am a mother but dont feel like one yet. my daughter is not with me. do you know how that feel for a mother to wake up in the night and not have her by your side, it crushing. its by far the worst pain i have felt.i miss her so much i just need her to be home with me im ready for her.
-Rubin needs a job, he is so depressed lately. and unfortunately he seems to think his problems look a little better when he has reached the end of a bottle of liquor. he is an alcoholic. and i cant solve his problems. i wish i could. i see the pain in his eyes and i cant do anything to take it away.
- everytime he steps out the door i panic. i feel alone with out him. he is all i have. my family is here for me but yet so distant. my friends have abandoned me. i cant always be the one to take the initiative. if i dont call people i probably would never hear from them. sad isnt it.
-im so poor im surprised i keep gaining weight seem how i barely have anything to feed my body with.
-im pumping milk for Addelynn, it isnt working. i need to get medicine. i cant even do that correctly.
-i never have time to myself but when i have the time to myself all i seem to do is cry cry cry cry cry.
- i miss my daughter. she is my life.
-people at church... look at me like a piece of dirt. they act like what i did with my life is so wrong. well maybe i didnt do things perfect im not perfect. but the bible says no sin is worse then another all sins are equal. what do they think that just because they keep their secrets, ins, and problems behind closed doors that they are better then me? well truths out folks YOUR NOT. NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!!