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<b> i wanted to walk through these empty streets alone</b>
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bluereplacement's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
10:46 am
every day is a constant struggle of trying to free myself from who i have become and what my life turned out to be. im trying my hardest to break free from my struggles in life and the struggles in my head. i yern for who i once was to be who i am now. when did my life become so shattered. the past few weeks the depression is overwhelming. im sick of my body im on a diet and fucking struggling. rubin not having a job is wearing on me, my stress is through the roof. im constantly hating my job everyday that passes by and i watch people spend hundreds on their home and random shit with eases and im struggling with my house bills. constantly hoping my utilities make it through the month without being turned off. always stepping on eggshells trying not to argue with anyone or cause a scene somewhere. saomtimes i wish i could pack upo my whole family and just relocate. somewhere me and ubin can start fresh and get back to the love we onced showed for eachother. its wearing down my shoulders are heavy. God please lift this weight.  please release me from this pain. i look at all my friends they just seem so carefree. so much energy and life in them. my heart is weak i am weak trying to mascarade and someone strong and put together with a great life. its a costume party everyday of my life.
Thursday, July 24th, 2008
9:50 pm
at what point do you plan a way out? im really loosing it. this shit isnt even fucking healthy for me. how much more crying and pain do i put up with before i pack my shit and leave? its just so much more difficult when kids are involved. its like im dammed if i do or dont really. im just sick of being depressed all the time. i cant seem to figure out what the turning point was when was the point that he stopped making me happy and started worrying me and scaring me and making me cry and be depressed and lying to me ll the time.? when was that turning point? i cant figure it out.
Thursday, July 10th, 2008
2:05 pm
So the decision is final, as soon as we get the date for Ru's probation we are moving to texas.  i wish my family would be a little more supportive. i mean seriously cadi do you have to be a fucking bitch about it? we all have to make a life for ourselves somewhere. i dont want to go to conneticut that might be the life for you but it isnt for me. i would think you would have been more supportive. when ever i get excited about something you have to fucking plummet me to the ground because you dont agree with it. well fuck you! in fact why cant any one in my family be supportive? nope i just get all the bullshit. yes there are cons to the situation but it would be like that if i moved anywhere.
Friday, June 27th, 2008
6:42 pm
How is it my mom can see how im suffering from miles away but Rubin's right here and doesnt realize a thing?
Saturday, May 31st, 2008
1:06 am
today they pulled the plug on my cousins four year old daughter.  they couldnt help her. she had absolutely no rain activity. she fell the other night in the tub and hit her head. went to bed, fell into a coma, was air lifted to the hospital. that where she suffered 2 strokes and a brain hemmorage. child services started a full on investigation and put a restraining order on my cousin so now the cant even see there other 2  children that are 8 years and 3 years. it was an attuomatic thing.  i feel so bad. i pray for my cousins family for my family. we never had anything this hard to go through before. pray for the strength. pray for Faith a beautiful 5 year old that the lord has taken into his arms.
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
8:43 pm
I finally bought some new clothes. and now my ass looks fat hahaha. I always did want my butt to look descent in a pair of pants and now it finally does. thats all.
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
4:32 pm
I finally realized after all of these years my mom is right. There are things in life you will never understand or even comprehend till you are a mother yourself. When you have a child your whole life changes. You have a reason to not want to die anymore. Because you know that you have this little life holding on to you with her entire life counting on you to bring her up in the world, shape her, mold her into the person she will be. It's an amazing feeling but scary at the same time. So hard to explain. She is so amazing I couldnt ever picture my life any other way. I can never again be with out her. I hate going to work and leaving her at my sisters or with Rubin. It's not that I dont think they take care of her because I know they take excellent care of her its just I hate being without her for even a second. I love her so much. Today she ate a whole jar of sweet potatoes. She absolutely loved them it was so adorable. I couldnt get it into her mouth fast enough. What a cutie!!!! On the ninth she will be 4 months old.
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
10:06 pm
how much longer am i supposed to deal with this shit before i say fuck it its over? how long.
Friday, April 4th, 2008
2:30 pm
 i wish i could just think and it will atoumatically be recorded into here i dont have time for this but i have so much i could potentially write about. 

im back to work for home depot. its going okay,im trying to train on other things besides register but so far no luck. they always need me on register, so i might pick up some extra hours just for training. i called terrance today and left a message letting him know i am interseted in picking up some extra hours for training purposes. i would love to learn to drive the fork lift, i need to train on returns, self check-out, and the key machine. the knowledge of those could potentially get me far. beside they are free to learn. normally you have to pay to learn fork lift anywhere else. 
so for now i only work mon. tues.and sat's. 10am to 4 pm that not even a full 8 hour shift. lousy i know but it will only be like that a few more weeks till i bump myself up to more.

My daughter is home!!!!
 It has been amazing to sit in a chair and kickback with her, to rock and sing her to sleep, to wake up in the middle of the night and her be here. i love these moments. i happen to even love the 5 am feeding. i just love everything about  her being home. today i took her to her first doctor visit to meet the doctor. Dr Boor. she was very nice and respectful of my decision not to vaccinate Addelynn. Its one thing that I hated how in the hospital they tried to act aggresive into pushing me into vaccines when its something i dont want to expose my child to. Dr, Boor made me feel very comfortable as a new mother. She didnt take my concerns of her spit up and her bowel movements lightly. She gave me a prescription for Addelynn to take because she has been throwing up about a qaurter of her feedings. And She hasn't had a bowle movement in two and a half days when normally it was about twice a day. She said her throwing up could be a side effect of her being so bound up inside. she told me i could buy a supository at any local drug store over the counter. Addelynn was weighed when she first got there she now weighs 5 pounds 14 ounces so she has lost two ounces since she has been home from the hospital. the doctor had me make a apoointment for monday to have her weighed just to make sure she is not making a signifigant drop in weight.  My daughter is amazing. So Adorable. Ive been sing all day " I've got the whole world in my little girl, Ive got the whole world in my little girl, Ive got the whole world in my little girl cause she's the cutest girl in the world" and its true. 

So next week I work on monday as soon as i get out of work i must rush to the doctors to make it there for 4:20. this should be interesting.  then teusday i work, and wensday is her eye exam.
Monday, March 10th, 2008
3:26 pm
my daughter has started to eat from a bottle!!!!!
Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
4:00 pm
i am not who i want to be. i want to be the person that looses a hundred pounds and have people turn their head when i walk past
Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
10:31 pm
i went out driving today and i saw him on the next block. i havent thought about him for awhile. Ty. and today i did. i thought about what did i ever see in him? i look ed at him as a memory that i dont even completely remember.  that i dont want to remember.
Friday, February 22nd, 2008
7:34 pm
Once again im sitting in my room swallowed up by a silent house. home alone. these are the nights that i dread. while my husband is off hanging with the guys and my daughter in the hospital struggling for her life. i hate nights like these. Soon they will be coming and hitting me like a ton of bricks, when rubin starts to work overnight shift again i may just end up sleeping at the hospital. that way i will have the comfort of sleeping next to my daughter. Man i cant wait for her to come home she is so cute. she has these cute chubby cheeks and adorable little dimples that makes you want to just cry at the beauty. i have never in my life cried over being so beautiful except for Addelynn. So yesterday  Addelynn turned officially 3 pounds. putting some meat on her bones, i am so proud of how strong my little girl is. she has gone through so much, i have gone through so much but boy will i tell you when she wraps her hand around my finger, looks up at me and smile, oh its so overwhelming she melts my heart. I always wanted children. ever since i could remember. I never thought that my baby would be taking from me and put into a nicu. i would have never in a million years expected it to happen to me. But at the end of the day i can tell you that i know with all my heart that she was meant for me, destined to be my daughter. I love her with every breath in my body. Every last one.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
10:20 pm
valentines day right around the corner.

i just made valentines cards with hannah for her class. i also made two for Addelynn and two for Rubin. this i the first valentines day for me and my family. i just wish we were all together.


Addelynn is now 2 pounds 10.4 ounces. a few more days and she will be 3 pounds. God is really watching out for her every step of the way. And i thank you Thank you Thank you.




p.s. things have not changed. no i dont believe they have.
6:09 pm
The Great Depression
my Life seems to be coming together but falling apart all at the same time. my head is so full i cant seem to think anymore, when i go to drink some water i feel like Im going to choke. Im suffocating myself.  and now i will rant, i will rave, i will bitch and complain. And between my and my words i will be crying the whole time. Was i supposed to have a mid-life crisis so early in my life? does this mean my life is half over???

so let me start off on a good note, i will brag about the good things i have been blessed with.
- My Daughter is doing so well she has no problems, she is strong, healthy, and gaining weight. she is perfect. She is amazing.
-im going back to work for home depot in march. they want me back
- i am also collecting disability for all the time i have missed out in working
-as soon as i get off my ass and do my taxes i will have a good chunk of money to put towards child support and we will be a little further out of dept
-i will be able to collect ssi as soon as the social security card comes in the mail.
-i have health insurance for addelynn so she is completely covered
the move to Connecticut is looking so good, its all in the works. i cant wait to start moving my crap out of our house and get it all set up for Addy to come home
-i talked to my brother for the first time in 2 years, it felt good. i could let out a good sigh of relieve just knowing he is alive. i had a few moments of rest from worrying about him so much. his deal is that he did 9 months in jail got out and shot up dope went 4 months in rehab got out had a girl come see him and give him 4 things of Valium he shot them all up. he overdosed. he woke up in a psych ward. he doesn't know how he got there or when. he doesnt know who took him. he almost died. he went back to rehab for a month just got out and is in a group home. he is clean. i will continue to pray for him. continue to worry.
- rubin should be getting a job at a local pet store. it will be good for him, it will be something he like and something he can take pride in, something to be proud of.
-we went to 3 temp agencies we need to get him a job

Now im dealing with the shitty
- i feel completely alone, i am a mother but dont feel like one yet. my daughter is not with me. do you know how that feel for a mother to wake up in the night and not have her by your side, it crushing. its by far the worst pain i have felt.i miss her so much i just need her to be home with me im ready for her.
-Rubin needs a job, he is so depressed lately. and unfortunately he seems to think his problems look a little better when he has reached the end of a bottle of liquor. he is an alcoholic. and i cant solve his problems. i wish i could. i see the pain in his eyes and i cant do anything to take it away.
- everytime he steps out the door i panic. i feel alone with out him. he is all i have. my family is here for me but yet so distant. my friends have abandoned me. i cant always be the one to take the initiative. if i dont call people i probably would never hear from them. sad isnt it.
-im so poor im surprised i keep gaining weight seem how i barely have anything to feed my body with.
-im pumping milk for Addelynn, it isnt working. i need to get medicine. i cant even do that correctly.
-i never have time to myself but when i have the time to myself all i seem to do is cry cry cry cry cry.
- i miss my daughter. she is my life.
-people at church... look at me like a piece of dirt. they act like what i did with my life is so wrong. well maybe i didnt do things perfect im not perfect. but the bible says no sin is worse then another all sins are equal. what do they think that just because they keep their secrets, ins, and problems behind closed doors that they are better then me? well truths out folks YOUR NOT. NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!!
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
9:51 pm
i dont believe in having a happy new year. I believe in you being happy not just for that day. this year will be good me and Ru will have our first child Addelynn Ruby Williams. that in itself makes the whole year happy.
Monday, December 3rd, 2007
10:58 pm
When he's with me i feel safe, secure, loved and on top of the world. When im with-out him i feel like my life is crashing. Like i have no part to even play in the world. is it right to only see your self through someone else? i dont know the answer to that question but i do know that i love him with my entire heart he uplifts me. makes me happy. make me want to be around. God do i love this guy.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
3:36 am
at 830 in the morning im going to be gone till thurseday at 4in the morning so please dont try and call me. i wont be here. i just have to say i feel like my world is imploding. my boyfriend is locked. since sunday night. i didnt find out till today. i know everyone says they are innocent but he really is. he does not deserve this. this is his favorite holiday and now hes not even here. i dont know how long it will be for. neither does he. any where from a week to months. he has no bail. he is in birlington county prison. im not sure which building. i love him so much. so i know we will get through this. its just a little hard right now. its me and him against the world just me and him. i love him more then anyone or anything. he is my family my love my baby my honey my everything.

Rubin-
stay strong baby. i now you can i know your scared. just hold on a little longer we will make it through this. the twos of us can make it through anything. im going to talk to my mom about helping us get out of this shit hole. i will do what ever it takes. and yes i do promise. the day you get out we are getting married. i lvoe you honey i love you so much stay strong baby stay strong.
Saturday, October 27th, 2007
11:30 pm
So i had a wedding i had to go to on friday. i do have to say i dont recall looking as pretty as i did on friday... ever. even though i now have a bulging stomach. I wore black maternity pants and black shoes, and a purple and black shirt with a amazing necklace and some dangly earings. my sister got me the shoes and the shirt as a early birthday present. SO PRETTY I WAS. lol. its true. It was a wedding for a couple from my church. Dan Jorgenson and his girlfriend Sylvia. Sylvia is from china she just recently got here a couple of weeks ago. the wedding was so nice. first Dan said his vows in chinese and then in english. she first said hers in english and then in chinese. Then at the reception they did a realy neat chinese tea ceremony. i thought it was so nice. i just wish they had some dancing at the reception. yeap thats right. there was NO dancing. o'well.

today i saw SAW 4 it was scarey as fuck. probably the reason im not sleeping yet. scary shit.  
Sunday, October 7th, 2007
2:11 am
More then anything the thing that I love most about October is pumpkin picking and carving pumpkins. I remember doing it with my entire family, even before the father moved out. it was me Elizabeth, Cadi, Nathan, my Mom, and my Dad. I miss those times more than anything. but this October is even better then those memories. I'm going pumpkin picking tommorow after church. now I get to pick out a pumpkin with my new family. the family of my own. and after we pick them we get to carve them me and Rubin. the baby in my tummy will have to sit on the sidelines till next October.  my favorite thing about picking pumpkins and carving them is that ooshy gooshy feeling of plopping the pulp out on the news paper and digging through it for all those seeds. then presetting that oven to 350 degrees and popping in a tray full of pumpkin seeds. YUMMY!  I LOVE OCTOBER!!! one of my favorite months of the year!

So yesterday I got the phone number for my brother from my dad. the only number anyone in my family had for him. I called it. no answer, so I left a message. today called it no answer, left a message. tonight called it his former roomate picked up said he didnt live there and then hung up on me. that bitch! now no one in my family can reach him. I'm worried about him. praying to god he is still alive. just to let him be alive. If he were dead God-for-bid, no one in my family would even know. isnt that sad? we wouldnt know. no clue. it would have to be assumed. but how do you go around and just assume you brother is dead? Please please please be alive.
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